Waiting for "Someday".
You know Someday?
That day when I'd be ready, when everything would come together and fall into place. The day when I had conquered all of faults, all my fears, all my weaknesses and failings. When Someday came I'd be rich and successful, confident and healthy.
That would be the day.
Then my life would begin.
Then I could start being happy.
My religion had taught me to expect a Someday both in this life and in the next.
If you work hard enough and try hard enough and pray hard enough then someday you'll get what you deserve.
It was both a promise and a threat.
Every breath, every action and every thought was never about today never about this life you're living right now, it was always about Someday.
The Afterlife, the “Great By and By” Heaven, Hell, Eternity.
Then one day my life ended.
My body didn't die my life just ended.
My back was broken, the economy was broken, my career was broken and my faith was broken.
I no longer believed in god when all of the major choices of my life had been predicated on belief.
My life was over and it had never even started.
Life was over, but I was still here.
I was HERE for the first time.
Because now there is no someday, no heaven no hell no future and no past.
For the first time in my life I'm HERE.
For the first time in my life it's TODAY.
For the first time in my life it's NOW.
This is not a fresh start or a clean slate or an exciting new chapter in my life.
I'm not a young person full of hopes and dreams, with my whole life ahead of me.
I'm an old man, broken and disillusioned.
It's not a new beginning, it’s an old, grimy, shabby, second hand beginning.
But I'm here. I'm here, I'm here
Here I am...
Alive on Arrival.
I often used to scoff at artists who claim that their work is an outpouring of their tortured soul, but this one came straight from my veins and out through my brush.
I know this sounds like a sad story and in some ways it is a sad story, but not entirely.
I can wish that I’d had these epiphanies while I was still young, but I didn't and there you are.
I won't go to heaven, nor will I go to hell, but I will Live the remaining years of my life.
I will never be forgiven, but I have acceptance and that is far better.
So I start now. Sooner would have been better, but now is better than never.
I'm here, it's today, and I'm glad to know you.